Dear Humans,

My name is Mr. Buttons. I want to warn you about a deadly scourge that is plaguing this great nation. I speak, of course, about little red dots. These dots first started appearing around the late 90s and are characterized by being both bright and very fast. Not only do they scurry across the floor, but they can maneuver walls will equal ferocity.

Myself and my compatriots have been attempting to catch one of these so we may leave it, dead, on your doorstep. Sadly, the dots ability to appear and disappear at will has made them impossible to kill, although we have come very close. We know that you possess a keen can-opening technology. We request that you attempt to use this technology to help us apprehend one of the dots, rather than laughing at whatever you always seem to be laughing at.